At 5 weeks

I'll always remember 17 April as the day my life changed in a way that I can't comprehend. I am going to become a mom!! Well, it does happen to about half of the people in the world (kind of), yet I still feel special.

I sort of had a sixth sense about it.  My period was a week late, and I was feeling generally unsettled. I was feeling unusually low on energy, and my boobs hurt. But, I didn't honestly consider it seriously, Didn't want to let P know about because I wanted to make sure for myself, and every time we discussed it in the past, it's been a false alarm. I thought about in passing, wondering what I'd do about my new job (it was hardly two months since I had begun), and all my multiple travel plans for the year. And ever after too. I just wanted a little more time for the two of us to be us.

But I had to be sure, I got the test, and first thing in the morning once P had left for work, I checked, My eyes glazed over, and I didn't at first believe what I was seeing. So much so, that I had to re-read the instructions to make sure I had interpreted it correctly. And with a gentle jolt, I realised that it was true. It was such an incredibly private moment, and I felt myself smiling from within. It was joy, wonder and amazement all at the same time. Followed by... OMG!!! what the hell am I supposed to do now. Peeyush was at work and I wanted to tell him in person to see him react. So, I had to hold on to my delicious secret all day, in spite of the fact that I was spilling from my ears.

It was a Friday night, and we agreed to meet at at Leicester Square. He looked so clueless and pleased that it was the weekend - I grinned inwardly at carefreehim, wildly grateful that I wasn't going to be alone in this. I walked alongside him, glancing sideways and waiting for the right moment. I didn't want to just blurt it out like I always do when I have a secret spilling out of me. The Instagrammy part of me even wanted to record the whole thing, like one of those videos which go viral - but no! too personal and special a moment, I didn't want it to be all about taking the perfect video or something.

So I casually but deliberately said. "Hey, I have something to tell you, but listen carefully, because your life is about to change forever." (I was pretty clear I was going to say it exactly that way :p)

He turned to me with that grounded, easygoing smile of his and says: "What is it.. don't tell me your pregnant" he said, without meaning it at all. I said "Yes I am, we're having a baby." I could tell he thought I was pulling his leg, and stared at me. "What?! Really.. Noo."

 It felt really great to share it with him and see his face contorting into a series of comical expressions that made me laugh very loudly and deeply. It was sweet and funny because a certain vulnerability exposed itself in his quest to keep it from the world.

When I asked him how he felt, he said he didn't know how he felt or what he felt. I knew he was having trouble believing it just like I did. I could tell he was shocked, joyful, surprised, amazed, all at once - and I was glad he was going through the crazy mix of emotions I had experienced earlier in the day.

I couldn't wait to tell everyone, but that weekend I told my family and a few close friends.

The weekend has been one of the most beautiful, strangest and blessed days of my life. I feel like I have been personally and purposefully blessed by God. There is no other way to describe it. At this moment, I feel happy and joyful, and like this is only the beginning of my joy and wonder. I feel like I will never stop writing either.

I am full of amazement, wonder, curiosity, questions and just.. gratitude. I feel touched and changed and beautiful inside. OMG!  :) I guess the massiveness of this has not hit me yet. Oh and another thing, didn't know I could like P more than this, but I do now.

I don't know how I am going to do this, but today, it feels amazing.